It’s so cliche to say “Never judge a book by it’s cover”, but I try not to. I’ve followed this rule for most of my life, almost to a fault. I tend to be very trusting and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Ironically, deep in my gut I’ve always known that my gut never lies. To my detriment, I’ve learned to turn off that inner voice, even though signs are everywhere telling me otherwise. So many times, I find myself saying “Damnit! I should’ve listened to my gut!!!” I get so mad at myself. I get burned, then I feel like such a dummy for getting played.
I know this can lead to becoming closed off and lacking trust and connection with people. I know, because I have experienced it and I now recognize it. In more recent years, I have had limited connection because I have a fear that if I allow myself to become connected, time will reveal that I’ve made a mistake by trusting someone. I want to believe that good is still in the world and the people I associate with. But we’re all human and sometimes people have flaws and make mistakes in life. I mean, I’m not perfect and I’m sure I have disappointed many. I’d be willing to bet that they’re not tossing and turning at night thinking about how La let them down.
What I’m learning is that I need to listen to my gut. When something doesn’t feel right, LISTEN! And if for some reason, my gut leads me astray, it’s okay. Try not to get caught up in the feelings of let down and disappointment. I am so blessed to have my husband and a few friends who can reel me in when they see that I’m falling down the rabbit hole of self-doubt.
Another lesson I am learning is to limit my expectations of others and focus on what I can control; my own journey and actions. I will be alright no matter what happens. I would like to get back to having real connections with people without fear. I’m still learning how…I need to be more patient with myself.